It involves oatmeal – LOTS of oatmeal

Right. I can’t quite believe I’m writing this either, but we’re in it together now so strap yourselves in.

If you don’t already know what the Dubai Porta Potty “trend” is, I’m BEGGING you not to search it. According to TikToker @ebrahim_ka, influencers based in Dubai are offered “up to $1 million for the opportunity of defecating on (businessmen’s) faces.” Grim.

Now, TikToker and former flight attendant @hocusbogus2.0 has weighed in on the rumours. She claims to have seen influencers and models talking about participating in the – uh, business transaction – first hand. Passengers would apparently eat high-fibre foods on the way to Dubai, while bragging about what they were about to do. The vibes are off, the ritual is weird, but here’s everything she said:

According to hocusbogus, a “friend” told her someone in first class was eating a highly fibrous meal and wouldn’t stop going on about it. Naturally, this led the flight attendant to ask some questions.

“They’re sitting in the galley, chatting as we do… and the girl’s like, ‘yeah babes, I’m just trying to get my fibre in’ and she’s eating all this shit like oatmeal, Greek yoghurt…

“I didn’t ask her nothing, but she kept telling me: ‘I’ve got to get my fibre in, I’ve got to get my fibre in,’ like she really, really wanted to tell her little secret.”

The flight attendant finally backed down and asked “the girl” why she was eating so much fibre. “Honestly babes,” she said. “I get paid to shit on Emirati men, and I’ve got to eat all my fibre ’cause I’m going on a boat tonight.”

“The question that I got,” hocusbogus said. “Was, ‘do flight attendants do it?’ like… yes. Yes, flight attendants do it.”

She was then asked… um, *where* on the businessman’s body they do it. “On the chest or the mouth,” she said.

“You’re just shitting on a dude,” the flight attendant said. “You’re eating all this fibre and you’re getting a good little meal in… and then you’re like, pooping in somebody’s mouth who’s paying you $20,000 to do it.”

“Maybe there are some guys who shit on girls… the point is, it’s not a scandal. It’s not a scandal to any of us. Everybody knows about it. For me, it’s just like… UK babes have a bit of a reputation in Dubai, I’m sorry to say.”

Well. This was a learning curve for all of us, I think.

Featured image via TikTok before edits. 

‘Until every queer person can wake up without fear of being harassed for being who they are, we still need Pride’

Any jobs going in the Upside Down?

It’s more accurate than whatever your year 13 careers advisor told you

‘I’m not willing to be marched to my death by the fossil fuel companies and their government puppets,’ says Bournemouth student Louis

I want everyone’s head to turn, sue me!

‘Tax cuts for anyone who has an affair with a foreign footballer’

We’re constantly degraded for our so-called lack of job opportunities when compared to STEM courses

She said she’d snog Liam, marry Dami and pie Andrew lool

It’s not looking good for Leeds Beckett grads

I’ll admit it, I’m a little bit jealous

No prizes for guessing London comes out on top

If Raja isn’t top four I will be inconsolable

Can they adopt me please??

Here’s everything we know

That means she’s earnt almost £750 per SECOND 😮😮

‘While everyone else in society can claim benefits, many students can’t’

Hugo Hammond has denied these claims

Let us in so we can see who dies!

Honestly, I’ll watch anything with Robert Sheehan in

The heavyweight boxer also claimed to buy Loughborough students 100 pizzas every weekend